Diaries–Dogs vs. Cats

Excerpts from a Dog’s Daily Diary…

  • 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
  • 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
  • 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
  • 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
  • 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
  • 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  • 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  • 5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
  • 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  • 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
  • 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity…

  • My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
  • Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
  • The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
  • Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.
  • There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
  • Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
  • I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
  • The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.”

Gotta love it!

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